Lucid not sleeping as retarded as that sounds

sitting here wide awake I can't sleep gods I know I will be there soon just let my actions speak loudly to their love.

Lonely strength

It's lonely being the strong one all the time. Sometimes I wish I wish I could confide in someone without any hesitation or bad consequences. To explore my dreams and goals and to relieve my frustrations.

Maybe receive comfort, not pity not concern but genuine comfort.
I know a few people close to me vent to me and I gladly offer a kind ear as well as advice properly thought out for their own sake.

I wish it was my turn to vent and talk about whatever I want to talk about and have it accepted as something not negative.

I wonder if they will one day walk up to me and ask what is wrong, will I just say I'm fine?
I may need help from someone completely willing to help me myself as always I cannot burden my friends family and lover with my problems they have so many of their own already.

All I can do is be strong even when I need someone the most.
My own inner strength will carry me through no matter what.
Even if I'm tired even if I'm stressed.
How am I to lead the people If I am not to tend to them and make sure they're ok.
This is what a true nobleman strives for.
To not just have power over the people the only reason they are there born into it is to help aid the people.

Especially those I cherish and the one I love as well. Thinking of them gives me strength, when the people are happy with my help that gives me strength.

As a Kami this is my true strength, through the belief others have in me as well as that I have in myself.

By the Gods I love her.

Back again

Today I was reminded on why I stay extremely well reserved as a comment of mine sparked someone very dear to me to say something that hurt like never before.
On how they spent what little they had on my birthday to get me something, a kinky toy
something no one has ever given me before something specifically for me to relax with and use for my own pleasure.

It was upsetting that how it was to be received I couldn't due to me wanting to uninstall world of warcraft.

I crashed completely my fault trying to do to many things at once on my computer.

So earlier I tried texting someone I don't really care much for but thought hey I've been there for them in their time of need and they never responded to me other than wtf.

It would be nice to hear kind words perhaps omg let me do this for you or that for you or why do you feel that way?

I've heard suck it up far too many times in my life or if they feel they have been there done that just ignore my comments or outreach and just ignore how I feel. Which is fine I guess since I am the strong one for so many honestly it's quite lonely at the top but at least I know everyone is taken care of especially those I love.

Maybe one day I will hear something so sweet that it will blow me away but from the heart it has to be from their heart.

Just like when I offer people things I dont expect any sort of reward or anything what so ever for compensation. However it would be nice to finnaly see a reward for my life of discipline and success that i've created to have others share in. But whenever I try and do something for myself it always backfires.

People often wonder I know why I seem so uptight well because someone has to be I have never ever had the luxury to just relax... and feed into what I want to do for a change... especially on my birthday I cried why? Because my lover was upset so I worried and did my best to make things right, at the time I was too busy helping out with bills for people that I care about and giving them money but in this game I play from time to time, I gave them what little in game money I had. They were so loving and creative they dressed themselves as one of the cutest anime characters I have ever seen.

Yet I had no time to enjoy it because they were still upset the gift they sent never went through... I cried I so badly wanted that kinky toy, and to indulge in something so selfish and take all the time in the world playing with it that day...

I also wanted them to be happy with me that day... but instead later on ended up working on some emulator which is fine I just ... it was my special day ... I wish I could have dictated how it would be spent. So I cried.

God I hate my birthday but oh well at least theirs was the best I could make it. I don't even care if I didn't receive a gift from anyone I just wanted to spend the day with my lover on webcam. Doing what I wanted to do. and to relax... and let my guard down.

Gods I love them so much but why is it they don't seem to notice when I'm upset or never ask kami are you ok, maybe they don't notice when I am god I hope they understand me.
Because I understand them and they have some things I take great pleasure in helping them with so much. Just don't mind me I fucking hate my birthday I fucking hate it hate it hate it.

So now I sit here reminded of why but I can't talk to them about it because its so fucking hard to talk about my past and i tried and tried but they didn't want to hear it I wish they would just come up to me one day and say Jesse tell me about your past I want to know and mean it I've never heard those words from ANYONE before.

Maybe I"ll just lay down and go back to sleep this has been a horrible day
I just hope one day this sadness and longing will go away.

And I can spend my days with my lover, living life for a while and letting myself go into whatever I find pleasurable with them and then focus again on getting things done. God damnit I need a mental vacation.

B

My b day, I dont like really talking about it or making a big fuss over it just because well.
Almost all of my B-day's have been sad because all I tend to remember is heartache revolving around doing everything I was supposed to do for someone and some things.

Yet I have always been stressed around this time. Maybe it's because I was damaged so badly with the fact no matter what I will do I will never be that sexy femm yet masculine self I can naturally be. Every year it gets harder because I dont like drawing attention to myself and thus receiving pity. I know i'm not too broken to be fixed, and even now I skirt around the issues I so wish to releive my mind of that this may not be a safe place for my feelings and to vent.
Oh well here goes (and yes Jesse there will be a part two to this as you deserve it just to write down your thoughts and ease up on them)

Lets see where to begin as I sit here and sip on my Michalobe golden light in a can and smoke my cig.

hmmm

My logical mind wont let me just be free and stop myself from saying anything I might not want others to see but I haven't given this blog out to anyone else nor does anyone know this email address associated with it either. Nor does anyone know I blog.
So finnaly here goes.

Ever since I was little amidst all of my training for ettiqit and damn my spelling oh well this is supposed to be a free form of writing and pure emotion down on paper. So anyways

ever since I was a little child I remember thinking of a life partner well at the time a wife as I was not understanding of being gay nor knew much about it.

when i was very little I was born prematurely to my mother whom tried and tried to conceive and my father worked and worked so I would be born into a very nice house in west st paul.
Nowadays the surrounding assholes have turned it into a little mexico but I digress

I recall fondly being a baby some that don't remember this I dont know what to say other than I am odd.

and even recall being fed oatmeal in a bottle which i didnt like as i was very thirsty at the time and would have preferred milk or water. Anwyays I remember sitting in my room always beign lonely as I was an only child I loved my mother and father very much and grew up with my friend Patrick bray in downtown and west st paul. I was forced into a private school which was very strict as I was not fond of. I hated it... my only form of relaxation was the agony of hiding in my room from my parents and everyone as no one I knew I could get close to and trust.
I was always so worried of it coming back to my parents or myself and harming me educationaly or politically.

My biggest form of relaxing was when I was nude in my room in a little mario lawn chair at the time I was maybe 4 or 5 and unsure how my body worked sexually but I did like relaxing in my bed/room in the buff. oh well i have to go for now I will finish this later as lowe is tping me in sl and requires my assisatance as a friend and good ear. Maybe I can help him find a better job today. I also have to tell JD his chores later and make sure my cell is charged for when my beloved is done working on her house with her current master.

Not feeling so hot

Today I just want to sit and think even though my new roommate makes it a little difficult, I wonder if I should have even offered to take him in. I just hope he's happy here just so that way I won't feel too badly about him.

Goodness where are my manners.{(Introduction)}

My introduction

(this will take some time, as I hate people seeing me as one dimensional)

So relaxing

Finally having a moment to myself to relax just as I crave with someone else I will mention later. Oh my Godess,I'm showing a friend around apollo gardens in second life at the moment and rejoicing in the music that's playing right now.
I can literally feel the stress lifting from my heart as I do this drinking this cool clear water I feel the energies in my new townhouse come to life and be content... nay happy with how smoothly things have been going recently.

Hell even with the issues I thought were huge are now so insignificant I dare not even try to recall them.

Ahh sleepless nights I know ye well~

Well this is my first post! Wow it's been forever and a day since I've had a blog.
Hmmm, what to talk about I suppose soon enough I'll just start upkeeping this place just as I did my old blogs. Finnaly get some stuff going the next few days!