Back again

Today I was reminded on why I stay extremely well reserved as a comment of mine sparked someone very dear to me to say something that hurt like never before.
On how they spent what little they had on my birthday to get me something, a kinky toy
something no one has ever given me before something specifically for me to relax with and use for my own pleasure.

It was upsetting that how it was to be received I couldn't due to me wanting to uninstall world of warcraft.

I crashed completely my fault trying to do to many things at once on my computer.

So earlier I tried texting someone I don't really care much for but thought hey I've been there for them in their time of need and they never responded to me other than wtf.

It would be nice to hear kind words perhaps omg let me do this for you or that for you or why do you feel that way?

I've heard suck it up far too many times in my life or if they feel they have been there done that just ignore my comments or outreach and just ignore how I feel. Which is fine I guess since I am the strong one for so many honestly it's quite lonely at the top but at least I know everyone is taken care of especially those I love.

Maybe one day I will hear something so sweet that it will blow me away but from the heart it has to be from their heart.

Just like when I offer people things I dont expect any sort of reward or anything what so ever for compensation. However it would be nice to finnaly see a reward for my life of discipline and success that i've created to have others share in. But whenever I try and do something for myself it always backfires.

People often wonder I know why I seem so uptight well because someone has to be I have never ever had the luxury to just relax... and feed into what I want to do for a change... especially on my birthday I cried why? Because my lover was upset so I worried and did my best to make things right, at the time I was too busy helping out with bills for people that I care about and giving them money but in this game I play from time to time, I gave them what little in game money I had. They were so loving and creative they dressed themselves as one of the cutest anime characters I have ever seen.

Yet I had no time to enjoy it because they were still upset the gift they sent never went through... I cried I so badly wanted that kinky toy, and to indulge in something so selfish and take all the time in the world playing with it that day...

I also wanted them to be happy with me that day... but instead later on ended up working on some emulator which is fine I just ... it was my special day ... I wish I could have dictated how it would be spent. So I cried.

God I hate my birthday but oh well at least theirs was the best I could make it. I don't even care if I didn't receive a gift from anyone I just wanted to spend the day with my lover on webcam. Doing what I wanted to do. and to relax... and let my guard down.

Gods I love them so much but why is it they don't seem to notice when I'm upset or never ask kami are you ok, maybe they don't notice when I am god I hope they understand me.
Because I understand them and they have some things I take great pleasure in helping them with so much. Just don't mind me I fucking hate my birthday I fucking hate it hate it hate it.

So now I sit here reminded of why but I can't talk to them about it because its so fucking hard to talk about my past and i tried and tried but they didn't want to hear it I wish they would just come up to me one day and say Jesse tell me about your past I want to know and mean it I've never heard those words from ANYONE before.

Maybe I"ll just lay down and go back to sleep this has been a horrible day
I just hope one day this sadness and longing will go away.

And I can spend my days with my lover, living life for a while and letting myself go into whatever I find pleasurable with them and then focus again on getting things done. God damnit I need a mental vacation.