Meh

Dear Diary,

I feel like shit, mostly because of how albert treated my lover. They we're oh so wronged and I may never be able to undo the damage done to them. Let alone the fact of being at her parents house stresses her sooo much.

I don't want us living with either her parents or mine, just because I want her and I to be in total control of what we do and what we would like to do!
I guess the following are my concerns

[2:11 AM] Kitten: #1 Kitten's happiness, and safety. I am scared shitless about if I ever go on unemployment, get fired, get injured, or killed, or just plain can't work anymore that as a couple we won't be able to support ourselves
#2 if something happen for me god forbid at least ill know she'll be taken care of other than one lump sum of cash from my life insurance
3# I know she doesnt like to rely upon ppl outside of herself and myself... so maybe by getting some income through dissability she can contribute and not feel bad about not being able to hold really any work outside the home.
#4 she doesnt want to live with parents and neither do I but I dont see us being able to rely solely upon my income until I get a few minor certifications plus a 2ndary income would help if i ever have to change jobs.
now my worries or rather concerns
I want to make sure I don't pressure her into this even in the slightest
I want to make sure she's completely ok with the lable if it ever comes up

Stress

Trying to get rid of it, when I can't I become apathetic. So IE talking about someone I dislike etc I become apathetic.

By the Gods!

My sweetheart... just did something so amazing when I said my wild times I missed out on...
and she said no, they just haven't happened yet, I responded as long as I never loose you... she said no you never will.
I feel... at ease... I feel relaxed... I feel my heart warming up again from it's cold clotted blood...
and I feel the chains slipping off of me.

God I love you koneko... my koneko.

Restrained

I am still trying to slip out of those chains that bind me...

there's a few things I need to be healed and many things I want.

ick

I don't like trucolors... it was cool when I felt welcomed there... and I don't feel comfortable around ablert, I don't think he cares for me that much.

Kinda stuck in limbo my lover isn't quite mine alone and I don't quite have a master but now for sure I know albert doesn't want me.

I feel sick to my stomach but I will not bitch openly or compalin because I am here because my lover is here.

God she likes to show off here... thats ok I suppose but I dont care about anyone else here except her...

>.< ugh if albert wasn't here I'd have her on a leash and have some fun ;) oh well I can dream.
I feel so alone at this club...

I just spent the last 3 hours outside the shower... working...

I worked to finish a drawing of what was once nothing and then vividly in my mind I recalled exactly my artclass and the napkins and dinner wear and redrew them down to the detail
I think I know why I don't draw nude figures anymore or any people male or female... is because I'd rather leave the human representation out of it because I feel sexually depressed.

ahhh

ahhh after a very nice hot bath/shower and releiveing myself of some stress mmmm I feel sooo good. Imagining and fantasizing about being alone in a house with my lover a house that I own and no one else it was sooo relaxing and omg I felt so inspired my apathy washed away like a flood gate opening and washing away topsoil.

I then next started imagining going online and being completely free to leash her and walk her around a club maybe even for a nude contest as she loves things like that as well mmm that would be so lovely! Ahhh but alas for now it just just a dream.

By the gods I love her so much.

So even though I probably won't be able to relax and alot of things are not right and the way they should be. I don't think I can bring myself to push it and ask for things from her... as albert might get upset which would upset her *sigh*. Oh well one day her and I will be free as she said.

My poor squishy

My poor lover >.< she wants to know why i'm not so horny recenetly when she tries to be sexy... well I loose my boner when albert walks around in the background... I know it's his room and stuff but since she's dating me now can't she sleep downstairs or not have larry in the room when she's naked? Or caming with me? fuck man.

Being blah

A long time ago when I was forced to deal with people that are irrational or aggressive either openly or passively (don't care for either but passive aggressive are the WORST! >.< so annoying) and when I am forced to deal with people like that I become extremely apathetic.
So every time my lover speaks to me about albert I can't help but become apathetic at least for a while. >.< just like when he walks into the room and she's naked ewww god I wanna throw up. Especially since she's engaged to me not him. Hmmm I hope things get better when I'm down there maybe her and I can get a house of our own ^.^ I would love that!

~Laterz Journal~

Ick

So I was in the middle of some good naughty thoughts >.<>.< ewwwwwwwwwwwwww, not her fault tho.

a lil bwaa

Today I'm not sure why I feel a lil out of it maybe because I wanted to do something more meaningful last night than play ffxi. Maybe if there was a nude contest or something I could go to with my girlfriend... *sigh* but the old dude is always there nothing against him I just want some time alone with my own fiance.

Sexual supression and ... cigs

Ugh fucking hate being here in this house with no privacy I miss my townhouse as much as I had to get rid of it. Now I'm in a spot I don't like. I don't like having no privacy even when it comes to cussing free expression around my family is non exhistant. Great people love em to death but no alone time for myself and not a moment to relax.

I already deal with debate after debate at work and have been formally trained in it as well.
Is it too much to be able to relax for an evening and let alone I was so used to walking around any apartment or house I rented/owned au natural it was so relaxing... I miss it along with the sexual freedom that brought.

Now I'm in a place where I have to watch my opinions and beleifs as well as sexual repression due to being bothered about any expression of it at all...

and when I do finnaly have the time to do so friends family or loved ones get in the way. It sucks sounds selfish but it's not because I have never been able to be healed sexually.
Of years of fustration so any more sexual repression or being denied it in anyway makes me feel like shit.

So when I don't have the means to releive any of these fustrations I smoke... which has made it almost sexually releasing in a small small way... and I do mean small it's just a way to get me by something that I enjoy and am not addicted to smoking cigs instead when the burn hits my lungs it helps me deal with my erection or built up tension and I feel myself relax... ahhh sweet nicotine.

I am also very stressed at the moment about moving to my current lover.
So much to get done! So little time! I will elaborate on this later in another blog I feel sleepy too many cigs today and too much foods... maybe I overate XD idk. Oh well fuck it.

The night is young... I'm starting not to be

Here I am at Tiger's Ilse watching the waves in a suit... how I wish just to run naked and free into those waves... and be free... and not have any negative consequences for it. Or even think of loosing anything just for a carefree evening.


So here I am listning to nightwish at tru-colors taking center stage dancing on the main strip pole... for two... it reminds me of the lust I had when I was younger for all things in life I found pleasurable that was restrained.

Now that time for experimenting is gone... at least it's gone without the risk of negative consequences. I've worked too hard and too long for what I have now... and what I have now I would never give up for the world.

Not so proud of what I need to get off my chest... or rather what I wish i could get off my chest but cant come out and say even in the privacy ofthis

Well first off I don't feel proud about what I'm about to post at all or what I want to, I never was able to be free when I was much younger... you know what I mean? Have my Cake and eat it too. Mmm how delicious that cake looked too and how it smelled.
Maybe that's why I'm so high strung?

God damnit even in the comfort of my own blog I'm starting not to be able to relax and just say what I want to say. Oh well fuck it. Probably for fear of loosing what little I have now especially for how hard I worked for it. God all the things I missed out on my own fucking fault because I was never able to admit to myself that it really was ok.

So odd I feel like this wild jungle boy at heart (not really but just saying shit at this point) but at least the closest I can get to the feeling is back then I felt as though a savage amongst well dressed higher class people. So I suppose I never strayed far from the heard yet still remained as a wolf if that makes sense.

I've lead a life of restraint... I'm tired of being denied or restrained... I want things given to me for once... without a fight.