My poor squishy

My poor lover >.< she wants to know why i'm not so horny recenetly when she tries to be sexy... well I loose my boner when albert walks around in the background... I know it's his room and stuff but since she's dating me now can't she sleep downstairs or not have larry in the room when she's naked? Or caming with me? fuck man.

Being blah

A long time ago when I was forced to deal with people that are irrational or aggressive either openly or passively (don't care for either but passive aggressive are the WORST! >.< so annoying) and when I am forced to deal with people like that I become extremely apathetic.
So every time my lover speaks to me about albert I can't help but become apathetic at least for a while. >.< just like when he walks into the room and she's naked ewww god I wanna throw up. Especially since she's engaged to me not him. Hmmm I hope things get better when I'm down there maybe her and I can get a house of our own ^.^ I would love that!

~Laterz Journal~

Ick

So I was in the middle of some good naughty thoughts >.<>.< ewwwwwwwwwwwwww, not her fault tho.

a lil bwaa

Today I'm not sure why I feel a lil out of it maybe because I wanted to do something more meaningful last night than play ffxi. Maybe if there was a nude contest or something I could go to with my girlfriend... *sigh* but the old dude is always there nothing against him I just want some time alone with my own fiance.

Sexual supression and ... cigs

Ugh fucking hate being here in this house with no privacy I miss my townhouse as much as I had to get rid of it. Now I'm in a spot I don't like. I don't like having no privacy even when it comes to cussing free expression around my family is non exhistant. Great people love em to death but no alone time for myself and not a moment to relax.

I already deal with debate after debate at work and have been formally trained in it as well.
Is it too much to be able to relax for an evening and let alone I was so used to walking around any apartment or house I rented/owned au natural it was so relaxing... I miss it along with the sexual freedom that brought.

Now I'm in a place where I have to watch my opinions and beleifs as well as sexual repression due to being bothered about any expression of it at all...

and when I do finnaly have the time to do so friends family or loved ones get in the way. It sucks sounds selfish but it's not because I have never been able to be healed sexually.
Of years of fustration so any more sexual repression or being denied it in anyway makes me feel like shit.

So when I don't have the means to releive any of these fustrations I smoke... which has made it almost sexually releasing in a small small way... and I do mean small it's just a way to get me by something that I enjoy and am not addicted to smoking cigs instead when the burn hits my lungs it helps me deal with my erection or built up tension and I feel myself relax... ahhh sweet nicotine.

I am also very stressed at the moment about moving to my current lover.
So much to get done! So little time! I will elaborate on this later in another blog I feel sleepy too many cigs today and too much foods... maybe I overate XD idk. Oh well fuck it.

The night is young... I'm starting not to be

Here I am at Tiger's Ilse watching the waves in a suit... how I wish just to run naked and free into those waves... and be free... and not have any negative consequences for it. Or even think of loosing anything just for a carefree evening.


So here I am listning to nightwish at tru-colors taking center stage dancing on the main strip pole... for two... it reminds me of the lust I had when I was younger for all things in life I found pleasurable that was restrained.

Now that time for experimenting is gone... at least it's gone without the risk of negative consequences. I've worked too hard and too long for what I have now... and what I have now I would never give up for the world.

Not so proud of what I need to get off my chest... or rather what I wish i could get off my chest but cant come out and say even in the privacy ofthis

Well first off I don't feel proud about what I'm about to post at all or what I want to, I never was able to be free when I was much younger... you know what I mean? Have my Cake and eat it too. Mmm how delicious that cake looked too and how it smelled.
Maybe that's why I'm so high strung?

God damnit even in the comfort of my own blog I'm starting not to be able to relax and just say what I want to say. Oh well fuck it. Probably for fear of loosing what little I have now especially for how hard I worked for it. God all the things I missed out on my own fucking fault because I was never able to admit to myself that it really was ok.

So odd I feel like this wild jungle boy at heart (not really but just saying shit at this point) but at least the closest I can get to the feeling is back then I felt as though a savage amongst well dressed higher class people. So I suppose I never strayed far from the heard yet still remained as a wolf if that makes sense.

I've lead a life of restraint... I'm tired of being denied or restrained... I want things given to me for once... without a fight.