Meh

Dear Diary,

I feel like shit, mostly because of how albert treated my lover. They we're oh so wronged and I may never be able to undo the damage done to them. Let alone the fact of being at her parents house stresses her sooo much.

I don't want us living with either her parents or mine, just because I want her and I to be in total control of what we do and what we would like to do!
I guess the following are my concerns

[2:11 AM] Kitten: #1 Kitten's happiness, and safety. I am scared shitless about if I ever go on unemployment, get fired, get injured, or killed, or just plain can't work anymore that as a couple we won't be able to support ourselves
#2 if something happen for me god forbid at least ill know she'll be taken care of other than one lump sum of cash from my life insurance
3# I know she doesnt like to rely upon ppl outside of herself and myself... so maybe by getting some income through dissability she can contribute and not feel bad about not being able to hold really any work outside the home.
#4 she doesnt want to live with parents and neither do I but I dont see us being able to rely solely upon my income until I get a few minor certifications plus a 2ndary income would help if i ever have to change jobs.
now my worries or rather concerns
I want to make sure I don't pressure her into this even in the slightest
I want to make sure she's completely ok with the lable if it ever comes up

Stress

Trying to get rid of it, when I can't I become apathetic. So IE talking about someone I dislike etc I become apathetic.

By the Gods!

My sweetheart... just did something so amazing when I said my wild times I missed out on...
and she said no, they just haven't happened yet, I responded as long as I never loose you... she said no you never will.
I feel... at ease... I feel relaxed... I feel my heart warming up again from it's cold clotted blood...
and I feel the chains slipping off of me.

God I love you koneko... my koneko.

Restrained

I am still trying to slip out of those chains that bind me...

there's a few things I need to be healed and many things I want.

ick

I don't like trucolors... it was cool when I felt welcomed there... and I don't feel comfortable around ablert, I don't think he cares for me that much.

Kinda stuck in limbo my lover isn't quite mine alone and I don't quite have a master but now for sure I know albert doesn't want me.

I feel sick to my stomach but I will not bitch openly or compalin because I am here because my lover is here.

God she likes to show off here... thats ok I suppose but I dont care about anyone else here except her...

>.< ugh if albert wasn't here I'd have her on a leash and have some fun ;) oh well I can dream.
I feel so alone at this club...

I just spent the last 3 hours outside the shower... working...

I worked to finish a drawing of what was once nothing and then vividly in my mind I recalled exactly my artclass and the napkins and dinner wear and redrew them down to the detail
I think I know why I don't draw nude figures anymore or any people male or female... is because I'd rather leave the human representation out of it because I feel sexually depressed.

ahhh

ahhh after a very nice hot bath/shower and releiveing myself of some stress mmmm I feel sooo good. Imagining and fantasizing about being alone in a house with my lover a house that I own and no one else it was sooo relaxing and omg I felt so inspired my apathy washed away like a flood gate opening and washing away topsoil.

I then next started imagining going online and being completely free to leash her and walk her around a club maybe even for a nude contest as she loves things like that as well mmm that would be so lovely! Ahhh but alas for now it just just a dream.

By the gods I love her so much.

So even though I probably won't be able to relax and alot of things are not right and the way they should be. I don't think I can bring myself to push it and ask for things from her... as albert might get upset which would upset her *sigh*. Oh well one day her and I will be free as she said.

My poor squishy

My poor lover >.< she wants to know why i'm not so horny recenetly when she tries to be sexy... well I loose my boner when albert walks around in the background... I know it's his room and stuff but since she's dating me now can't she sleep downstairs or not have larry in the room when she's naked? Or caming with me? fuck man.

Being blah

A long time ago when I was forced to deal with people that are irrational or aggressive either openly or passively (don't care for either but passive aggressive are the WORST! >.< so annoying) and when I am forced to deal with people like that I become extremely apathetic.
So every time my lover speaks to me about albert I can't help but become apathetic at least for a while. >.< just like when he walks into the room and she's naked ewww god I wanna throw up. Especially since she's engaged to me not him. Hmmm I hope things get better when I'm down there maybe her and I can get a house of our own ^.^ I would love that!

~Laterz Journal~

Ick

So I was in the middle of some good naughty thoughts >.<>.< ewwwwwwwwwwwwww, not her fault tho.

a lil bwaa

Today I'm not sure why I feel a lil out of it maybe because I wanted to do something more meaningful last night than play ffxi. Maybe if there was a nude contest or something I could go to with my girlfriend... *sigh* but the old dude is always there nothing against him I just want some time alone with my own fiance.

Sexual supression and ... cigs

Ugh fucking hate being here in this house with no privacy I miss my townhouse as much as I had to get rid of it. Now I'm in a spot I don't like. I don't like having no privacy even when it comes to cussing free expression around my family is non exhistant. Great people love em to death but no alone time for myself and not a moment to relax.

I already deal with debate after debate at work and have been formally trained in it as well.
Is it too much to be able to relax for an evening and let alone I was so used to walking around any apartment or house I rented/owned au natural it was so relaxing... I miss it along with the sexual freedom that brought.

Now I'm in a place where I have to watch my opinions and beleifs as well as sexual repression due to being bothered about any expression of it at all...

and when I do finnaly have the time to do so friends family or loved ones get in the way. It sucks sounds selfish but it's not because I have never been able to be healed sexually.
Of years of fustration so any more sexual repression or being denied it in anyway makes me feel like shit.

So when I don't have the means to releive any of these fustrations I smoke... which has made it almost sexually releasing in a small small way... and I do mean small it's just a way to get me by something that I enjoy and am not addicted to smoking cigs instead when the burn hits my lungs it helps me deal with my erection or built up tension and I feel myself relax... ahhh sweet nicotine.

I am also very stressed at the moment about moving to my current lover.
So much to get done! So little time! I will elaborate on this later in another blog I feel sleepy too many cigs today and too much foods... maybe I overate XD idk. Oh well fuck it.

The night is young... I'm starting not to be

Here I am at Tiger's Ilse watching the waves in a suit... how I wish just to run naked and free into those waves... and be free... and not have any negative consequences for it. Or even think of loosing anything just for a carefree evening.


So here I am listning to nightwish at tru-colors taking center stage dancing on the main strip pole... for two... it reminds me of the lust I had when I was younger for all things in life I found pleasurable that was restrained.

Now that time for experimenting is gone... at least it's gone without the risk of negative consequences. I've worked too hard and too long for what I have now... and what I have now I would never give up for the world.

Not so proud of what I need to get off my chest... or rather what I wish i could get off my chest but cant come out and say even in the privacy ofthis

Well first off I don't feel proud about what I'm about to post at all or what I want to, I never was able to be free when I was much younger... you know what I mean? Have my Cake and eat it too. Mmm how delicious that cake looked too and how it smelled.
Maybe that's why I'm so high strung?

God damnit even in the comfort of my own blog I'm starting not to be able to relax and just say what I want to say. Oh well fuck it. Probably for fear of loosing what little I have now especially for how hard I worked for it. God all the things I missed out on my own fucking fault because I was never able to admit to myself that it really was ok.

So odd I feel like this wild jungle boy at heart (not really but just saying shit at this point) but at least the closest I can get to the feeling is back then I felt as though a savage amongst well dressed higher class people. So I suppose I never strayed far from the heard yet still remained as a wolf if that makes sense.

I've lead a life of restraint... I'm tired of being denied or restrained... I want things given to me for once... without a fight.

Lucid not sleeping as retarded as that sounds

sitting here wide awake I can't sleep gods I know I will be there soon just let my actions speak loudly to their love.

Lonely strength

It's lonely being the strong one all the time. Sometimes I wish I wish I could confide in someone without any hesitation or bad consequences. To explore my dreams and goals and to relieve my frustrations.

Maybe receive comfort, not pity not concern but genuine comfort.
I know a few people close to me vent to me and I gladly offer a kind ear as well as advice properly thought out for their own sake.

I wish it was my turn to vent and talk about whatever I want to talk about and have it accepted as something not negative.

I wonder if they will one day walk up to me and ask what is wrong, will I just say I'm fine?
I may need help from someone completely willing to help me myself as always I cannot burden my friends family and lover with my problems they have so many of their own already.

All I can do is be strong even when I need someone the most.
My own inner strength will carry me through no matter what.
Even if I'm tired even if I'm stressed.
How am I to lead the people If I am not to tend to them and make sure they're ok.
This is what a true nobleman strives for.
To not just have power over the people the only reason they are there born into it is to help aid the people.

Especially those I cherish and the one I love as well. Thinking of them gives me strength, when the people are happy with my help that gives me strength.

As a Kami this is my true strength, through the belief others have in me as well as that I have in myself.

By the Gods I love her.

Back again

Today I was reminded on why I stay extremely well reserved as a comment of mine sparked someone very dear to me to say something that hurt like never before.
On how they spent what little they had on my birthday to get me something, a kinky toy
something no one has ever given me before something specifically for me to relax with and use for my own pleasure.

It was upsetting that how it was to be received I couldn't due to me wanting to uninstall world of warcraft.

I crashed completely my fault trying to do to many things at once on my computer.

So earlier I tried texting someone I don't really care much for but thought hey I've been there for them in their time of need and they never responded to me other than wtf.

It would be nice to hear kind words perhaps omg let me do this for you or that for you or why do you feel that way?

I've heard suck it up far too many times in my life or if they feel they have been there done that just ignore my comments or outreach and just ignore how I feel. Which is fine I guess since I am the strong one for so many honestly it's quite lonely at the top but at least I know everyone is taken care of especially those I love.

Maybe one day I will hear something so sweet that it will blow me away but from the heart it has to be from their heart.

Just like when I offer people things I dont expect any sort of reward or anything what so ever for compensation. However it would be nice to finnaly see a reward for my life of discipline and success that i've created to have others share in. But whenever I try and do something for myself it always backfires.

People often wonder I know why I seem so uptight well because someone has to be I have never ever had the luxury to just relax... and feed into what I want to do for a change... especially on my birthday I cried why? Because my lover was upset so I worried and did my best to make things right, at the time I was too busy helping out with bills for people that I care about and giving them money but in this game I play from time to time, I gave them what little in game money I had. They were so loving and creative they dressed themselves as one of the cutest anime characters I have ever seen.

Yet I had no time to enjoy it because they were still upset the gift they sent never went through... I cried I so badly wanted that kinky toy, and to indulge in something so selfish and take all the time in the world playing with it that day...

I also wanted them to be happy with me that day... but instead later on ended up working on some emulator which is fine I just ... it was my special day ... I wish I could have dictated how it would be spent. So I cried.

God I hate my birthday but oh well at least theirs was the best I could make it. I don't even care if I didn't receive a gift from anyone I just wanted to spend the day with my lover on webcam. Doing what I wanted to do. and to relax... and let my guard down.

Gods I love them so much but why is it they don't seem to notice when I'm upset or never ask kami are you ok, maybe they don't notice when I am god I hope they understand me.
Because I understand them and they have some things I take great pleasure in helping them with so much. Just don't mind me I fucking hate my birthday I fucking hate it hate it hate it.

So now I sit here reminded of why but I can't talk to them about it because its so fucking hard to talk about my past and i tried and tried but they didn't want to hear it I wish they would just come up to me one day and say Jesse tell me about your past I want to know and mean it I've never heard those words from ANYONE before.

Maybe I"ll just lay down and go back to sleep this has been a horrible day
I just hope one day this sadness and longing will go away.

And I can spend my days with my lover, living life for a while and letting myself go into whatever I find pleasurable with them and then focus again on getting things done. God damnit I need a mental vacation.

B

My b day, I dont like really talking about it or making a big fuss over it just because well.
Almost all of my B-day's have been sad because all I tend to remember is heartache revolving around doing everything I was supposed to do for someone and some things.

Yet I have always been stressed around this time. Maybe it's because I was damaged so badly with the fact no matter what I will do I will never be that sexy femm yet masculine self I can naturally be. Every year it gets harder because I dont like drawing attention to myself and thus receiving pity. I know i'm not too broken to be fixed, and even now I skirt around the issues I so wish to releive my mind of that this may not be a safe place for my feelings and to vent.
Oh well here goes (and yes Jesse there will be a part two to this as you deserve it just to write down your thoughts and ease up on them)

Lets see where to begin as I sit here and sip on my Michalobe golden light in a can and smoke my cig.

hmmm

My logical mind wont let me just be free and stop myself from saying anything I might not want others to see but I haven't given this blog out to anyone else nor does anyone know this email address associated with it either. Nor does anyone know I blog.
So finnaly here goes.

Ever since I was little amidst all of my training for ettiqit and damn my spelling oh well this is supposed to be a free form of writing and pure emotion down on paper. So anyways

ever since I was a little child I remember thinking of a life partner well at the time a wife as I was not understanding of being gay nor knew much about it.

when i was very little I was born prematurely to my mother whom tried and tried to conceive and my father worked and worked so I would be born into a very nice house in west st paul.
Nowadays the surrounding assholes have turned it into a little mexico but I digress

I recall fondly being a baby some that don't remember this I dont know what to say other than I am odd.

and even recall being fed oatmeal in a bottle which i didnt like as i was very thirsty at the time and would have preferred milk or water. Anwyays I remember sitting in my room always beign lonely as I was an only child I loved my mother and father very much and grew up with my friend Patrick bray in downtown and west st paul. I was forced into a private school which was very strict as I was not fond of. I hated it... my only form of relaxation was the agony of hiding in my room from my parents and everyone as no one I knew I could get close to and trust.
I was always so worried of it coming back to my parents or myself and harming me educationaly or politically.

My biggest form of relaxing was when I was nude in my room in a little mario lawn chair at the time I was maybe 4 or 5 and unsure how my body worked sexually but I did like relaxing in my bed/room in the buff. oh well i have to go for now I will finish this later as lowe is tping me in sl and requires my assisatance as a friend and good ear. Maybe I can help him find a better job today. I also have to tell JD his chores later and make sure my cell is charged for when my beloved is done working on her house with her current master.

Not feeling so hot

Today I just want to sit and think even though my new roommate makes it a little difficult, I wonder if I should have even offered to take him in. I just hope he's happy here just so that way I won't feel too badly about him.

Goodness where are my manners.{(Introduction)}

My introduction

(this will take some time, as I hate people seeing me as one dimensional)